graymatter

Gold in Them Hills...

2007-10-07T17:02:00.000-04:00

Well, here it is folks.

Has Gray returned to blogging?....maybe, time will tell.

Sometimes life seems so overwhelming that the idea of capturing even a paragraph of it and confining it to a fixed address in the blogosphere seems like trying to explain how orange feels.

Sometimes life has to just be lived.

My life since last March has been new terrain. Mountainous terrain to be more specific. Lots of peeks, lots of valleys, but an awful lot of just scrambling over rocks trying to get somewhere. There have been a few hellos, but for the most part, goodbyes. Too many for my liking.

Such is life.

You can only do what you can do.

Be kind to yourself.

Above all else: God Grace is enough.

This are the words i have muttered under my breath, sung at the top of my lungs, used to comfort friends, but mostly they have been my consolation when I'm, yet again, weeping in the Father's arms.

I feel as though I am at a crossroads. I'm not sure....of much of anything (other than God's tremendous love). So I'll wait. Wait for the dust to settle in this muddy stream. Wait for the still small voice.

And while i wait?

I'll live.

"Gold in them Hills"- Ron Sexsmith

I know it doesn't seem that way

But maybe it's the perfect day

Even though the bills are piling

And maybe Lady Luck ain't smiling

But if we'd only open our eyes

We'd see the blessings in disguise

That all the rain clouds are fountains

Though our troubles seem like mountains

There's gold in them hills

So don't lose heart

Give the day a chance to start

Every now and then life says

Where do you think you're going so fast

We're apt to think it cruel but sometimes

It's a case of cruel to be kind

And if we'd get up off our knees

Why then we'd see the forest for the trees

And we'd see the new sun rising

Over the hills on the horizon

There's gold in them hills

So don't lose faith

Give the world a chance to say...

A word or two, my friend

There's no telling how the day might end

And we'll never know until we see

That there's gold in them hills

There's gold in them hills

So don't lose heart

Give the day a chance to start

There's gold in them hills...

Visual DNA

2007-03-10T23:14:00.000-05:00

This is a really nifty visual personality test. Just follow the link below and check out the pictures. Click on the one that best discribes your response to the question.

http://dna.imagini.net/friends/

Crazy Carpets

2007-02-28T09:56:00.000-05:00

oh kraft dinner of the toboggan hill,

you are not classy but you're satisfying.

So, lately I have been moved to take up the crazy carpet as a medium for wintry amusement.

I say "take it up" but really it is closer to RE-taking it up. It's been surreal living around the corner from my childhood home these last 18 months. It stirs all kinds of memories about by gone days. Some of those memories are of hours spent careening down the hill at martello tower. It was dangerous but it was fun.

A couple of weeks ago I bought 5 blue crazy carpets. (5 because you never know when a posse will form with crazy carpeting on the brain) I couldn't wait to try them out...so I didn't. The next day I made my own little run on a hill beside my house. I was amazed at how much fun I had!

I'm sure the people walking by thought I was nuts but I didn't care. Lying on my back starring up at the blue sky, taking stock of the bruises, breathing the cool air I felt care free.

Thanks inner child, that was fun.

How do you play?

Jesus, set us free to play! Break the shackles of false uprightness that hold us back from you. In our joy and play may we glorify you! Teach us to be like little children. Help us to know you as Abba.

Nightmare on Fresh Prince St.

2007-02-15T17:20:00.000-05:00

this morning at breakfast a friend asked me if i had slept well. i said no, the storm had kept me awake. his response?

"well, if you have nightmares you better pray to God that Will Smith is in them."

thanks buddy, will do.

Explosion on the McKay Highway...

2007-02-03T15:49:00.000-05:00

I have a cold. The kind which involves sneezing and coughing. ick.

yesterday morning I awoke to a world blanketed in snow. beautiful, clean, bright....and a pain in the bum to shovel.

After 40 minutes of shovelling I had unearthed the car and was headed out to do the morning drive. Thoughtfully, T. had made me tea in my fav travel mug for the road.

I slipped and slid my way to KV and was headed home when I remembered my tea. It was still warm. I was delighted to find that it was just the right balance of milk, sugar and tea.

I took a huge swig. and at precisely this moment my body, Lord love it, decides that I need to not only sneeze but also cough. I felt it coming, but alas it was too late to do anything.

Tea sprayed EVERYWHERE. There was tea dripping down the inside of the windshield. Tea in the various cubby holes of the dash board. Tea cascading in little rivers off the steering wheel and onto my now soaking leg and moist seat.

with a sense of disbelief and confusion I did the only logical thing I could think of with the tea that had managed to remain (miraculously) in my mouth...I spit it out.

And as the previously warm tea began to chill in the February air, I laughed. I laughed hard and tried to figure out what the heck to do.

I managed to mop up enough of the tea from the steering wheel to stop it from slipping from my hands. laughed a little more and made it home safe and sound.

later I cleaned the car. the dash board has never looked better.

Cheesies

2007-01-28T12:02:00.000-05:00

Here's a real life conversation from my lunch today.

(Gray serves lunch... Ham and cheese, banana, cheesies and tea.)

D.-OH CHEESIES!!!!!

Me- yup. haha

D.-Gray, can I tell you something?

Me- sure.

D.-You're the best high ever.

Me-Thanks D.

D.- I love you, Gray

Me-I love you too, D.

Oh Man I love my life!!!

Hey, if you love cheesies (and other snacks as much as D. does,

check out this site www.taquitos.net

I'm in pain...

2007-01-16T22:13:00.000-05:00

...stupid spicy chicken wings.

I don't even like spicy things.

I just couldn't stand the not knowing how spicy they were.

Now I'm feeling this weird burning in my insides.

Once my cousin put my grandfather's arthritis rub on his eye lids.

The burning I feel is not so bad compared to my cousin's eye lid burning.

Gotta keep things in perspective.

And remember that curiosity killed the cat...well gave him heart burn anyway.

2007-01-12T12:28:00.000-05:00

It's like I'm walking around with clentched fists.

I get my back up over everything.

I'm looking for a fight. I won't take help.

I forget about grace, forgiveness, compassion.

I forget to breath deeply.

I forget to be transformed. Forget about the mercy.

But then... here comes the Prince of Peace, the Lover of my Soul.

With the skill of a surgeon and the heart of a lion, He starts pealing back my fingers.

He's telling me the truth.

Telling me who I am. Redeemed, Beloved, Child.

Finally my hands are open and the fight is drained out of me.

He says, "Don't forget what My Heart is like. Don't forget my hands".

He holds them out for me.

Tears stream down my tired face.

I see the hands that formed the world.

I see a carpenter's hands.

I see the wounds of love.

And I see my name.

Into your hands I commit my spirit;

redeem me, LORD, my faithful God.

Psalm 31:5

A Year in Review: Jan/06

2007-01-01T16:13:00.000-05:00

Wow, I can't believe this was taken a year ago.

So much has happened in my life since last January.

This was the whole house, last New Year's Eve. 4 of us. Now were full, it's amazing how much our lives changed as each person was added.

The winter has, in the past, been a dark and mysterious time for me. I was really blessed by the anchor of home life last year.

So the year opened with so much possiblilty. Everything was up in the air! I was trusting God to show me where and how to live. So far so good.

Tune in soon to read the Feb/06 re-cap.

Pondering...

2006-12-10T20:55:00.000-05:00

ok.

I was cleaning the tub the other day and a thought Jumped into...nay...pounced onto my mind.

"What the heck does "goody two shoes" mean? and is there a "bady one shoe"?"

Merry McKim-mas!

2006-12-04T14:36:00.000-05:00

xmassy type photos

2006-12-02T22:16:00.000-05:00

So these are the people in my hood.

This is me in Marilyn's trunk at the Santa Claus Parade.

You're Richer Than You Think!

2006-11-29T17:10:00.000-05:00

Lately I'm struck by my need to accept what's already mine.

Grace.

Forgiveness.

Love.

"You are familiar with the generosity of our Master, Jesus Christ. Rich as he was, he gave it all away for us—in one stroke he became poor and we became rich." 2 Corinthians 8:9

if life had a speed limit....

2006-11-22T11:19:00.000-05:00

...would I obey it?

probably not.

When I first started driving I could NOT drive above 30km. Well. I probably could have, I was just afraid.

Thanks to some very patient driving tutors, I improved. And before long I could comfortably do the speed limit. Eventually I even drove on the highway. My family always joked about how we had to plan to leave 10 minutes earlier if I was driving because I insisted on driving the speed limit.

Since I've had my license I've done quite a bit of driving. I drive everyday, often for a couple hours. Dropping people off, picking people up, dropping off prescriptions, picking up milk.

Over this past year it has become easier and easier to do the speed limit...and then to push it a little. Sometimes I'm not paying attention and I speed. Sometimes I AM paying attention...and I speed. I'm not talking " The Fast and the Furious" speeding, but more than 110km.

Here's my point: Life's like that too.

I speed.

Sometimes by accident-I forget to check the internal speedometer. I take my eyes off the prize. I forget to "seek first...".

Sometimes on purpose-I push my limits. I feel like I need to push it. Life gets busy. I choose to focus on be efficient instead of being balanced.

I'm past mid point in my week off.

Have I obeyed the speed limit? Don't ask.

Because then I'd have to tell you that I'm not sure.

And really if I'm not sure, I probably haven't.

I'm having a great time, seeing family and friends. I've done a lot of sleeping. I've seen "Nacho Libre" 4 times. Like John Lennon said, "Time you enjoyed wasting, wasn't wasted". And that's true; externally, I'm rested.

But what about my inner being? That's what I'm not so sure about.

When I wear a poppy, I remember.

2006-11-08T12:23:00.000-05:00

In Grade 9 I job shadowed my Father. I pinned a red poppy on my burgundy sweater and began a day that changed my life.

My Dad is a priest. He took me to visit a man at the end of his life. I felt so nervous. I didn't know what to say to this elderly man. It seemed like our lives couldn't be any more separate.

His wife made us tea. We sat together. He told me about his life. He shared old black and white photos of him as a little boy, standing outside a one room school house. He told me about his father and how things were different back then.

I don't remember a lot of what was said. But I do remember feeling so alive. We spent hours in that living room. I felt like I had discovered a treasure.

This man who had seemed so irrelevant taught me to see people.

When he died, his wife-his widow, asked me to sing at his funeral. I had never even been to a funeral.

I stepped to the front of the tiny church. My feet felt glued to the floor. As I began to sing, "Amazing Grace, how sweet the sound.....", my body was filled with electricity. I felt overwhelmed and completely loved. It would be years before I learned to associate this feeling with the presence of the living God.

After the funeral, we went back to the living room where I had met him. I ate marshmallow squares and looked at the family that he loved.

I wish I could have told them how God had used this man, Bill, to shape my life. He taught me to be curious about the lives of the people I meet each day. From Bill, I learned that everyone has a story. That everyone has joys and sorrows. That we're all connected.

When I wear a poppy, I remember.

2006-11-04T16:27:00.000-05:00

I dressed up as a bag of Garbage for Halloween.

Yup, that's real garbage...including the rotting lettuce on my head.

If this post was food it might be a salad... little bit of everything tossed together.

2006-10-23T20:55:00.000-04:00

so much to say, so little clarity.

I'm in a season of discerning. Discerning God's will for my life at this juncture. Do I continue with L'Arche? Do I pursue another full time ministry? Do I sit on my bum and solve sudoku puzzles for the next 6 months?

I'm not gonna lie, the third option is where I'm leaning at this point. But I'd only do the easy puzzles so that I'd feel like a super genius. Which is neither here nor there because I'm not convinced that this is the option that would honour God. (Though I guess I'm open to hearing otherwise.)

Those of you who know me know that I am a compulsive self-analyzer. ( Now the rest of you know it too....later I'll think about this and decide if it was a good idea to tell you, then I'll ponder my love of mini-sips, and then I'll spend probably spend some time thinking about the way the Dixie Chicks have weaseled their way into my daily soundtrack, then I'll figure out if this has anything to do with the way I've been craving fudge.)

Anyway, this constant analyzing means that in a season of discerning my mind is working 24/7. Usually on things other than the Dixie Chicks and Mini-Sips. Sometimes I think if you could smell emotional states mine would smell like an long dormant heater being turned on for the first time in the fall. Like burning dust.

I find that my brain gets so fried from thinking that I lose the steam I had for seeking God. And sometimes I'm so busy thinking, that I forget to include Him in my thoughts. I forget where I'm supposed to be directing the swirling mass of wonder that is my mind.

So I want to share with y'all something that I've found really helpful in those times ( like now) when my brain-pot has boiled dry.

Prayer beads.

I hope y'all are still with me. I'm not talking about something new-agey, or multi-faithy.

You see a friend got a set as a gift a while back. When I read the brochure on "Anglican Prayer Beads" that came with them I thought they sounded pretty neat and so I made my self a set.

I have found that moving my fingers along this string of beads repeating a simple prayer or scripture really helps me to stay focused and get quiet. Obviously there is nothing mystical about this, it's really quite logical. It's the same idea as a breath prayer.
I don't use beads all the time, but when I do I find that I am more conscious of directing my thoughts to God. So if you're looking for more info, instructions on making your own set, or prayers to use, check out the link below.

http://www.kingofpeace.org/prayerbeads.htm

If the beads don't interest you... maybe this will!

[print version]

Visit http://www.dailysudoku.com/sudoku/kids/ for more puzzles, solutions, hints, books and other resources.

Dearest Blog,

2006-10-21T15:14:00.000-04:00

Oh Blog.

I am shocked by my own careless neglect of you in the last couple of weeks. So saddened was I that I chose to hide my forehead behind a mask of shame. So distraught was I that even making a snake tongue out of trail-marking tape and making hissing noises would not cheer me up.

And so I resolve to post on or before Monday, October 23rd. Keep me accountable, Inter-Web!

Know what happens if you put a Duck in your Armpit?

2006-10-07T11:38:00.000-04:00

I do.

Sadly, not from experience.

My Brother, Jesse, is in his second year of Forestry at The Hugh John Fleming Center in Fredericton. This last week they have been banding ducks. Last night Jesse was explaining how easy ducks are to band because they are so visual. If they can't see, they can't function.

All you have to do is put the duck's head in your arm pit, making it impossible for them to see what's happening and then they just give up and go limp. Apparently if you band at night all you have to do is flip them over...cuz it's dark.

On this Thanksgiving weekend, when I'm attempting to be more thankful than usual, I am thankful to be unlike a duck.

God has built us differently. Even if we can't see, we can still function. It might not be smooth, but it's possible. The same holds true spiritually. Even when we've let Satan stuff us in his metaphorical armpit, though it's dark and kinda stinky, we don't need to give up and go limp.

So this Thanksgiving I'm thinking about Victory. Christ's victory over the darkness, over sin, over the devil.

1 Corinthians 15:54b-58

"Death has been swallowed up in victory."
"Where, O death, is your victory?
Where, O death, is your sting?"

The sting of death is sin, and the power of sin is the law. But thanks be to
God! He gives us the victory through our Lord Jesus Christ.

Therefore, my dear brothers, stand firm. Let nothing move you.
Always give yourselves fully to the work of the Lord, because you know that your
labor in the Lord is not in vain.

I am thankful for Christ's victory over the Armpit!

Transition

2006-10-01T23:03:00.000-04:00

Do you ever get tired of being in a constant state of flux?

Once I heard the teenage years described as "a tumultuous re-definition". I like that. Call me crazy but I don't think you have to be a teenager to have a tumultuous re-definition.

In fact I might be having one right now. no wait.....righhhhhhht now. yup there it is.

It's like I'm still walking the same path, same goal. I'm just wearing a different outfit. Humming a different tune. And carrying a head of lettuce, staring quizzically at it, like, "What the Heck?"

The preacher at Uptown tonight said lots of good things. Here's what hit me between the eyes.

Life is Insecure.

I'm not a great swimmer. When I was little I took swimming lessons at the Aquatic Centre every week. Sometimes as a "treat" our life guard would let us go off the giant water slide. This was NOT a treat for me, in fact I found it terrifying. (But I was SO not going to say anything because I had a crush on the life guard-who told me that I looked like Princess Lea from Star Wars.)

So I began by climbing some very large stairs, trying not to look down. I'd position my shaking little body in the tepid stream of chlorine water and push off. I'd often fall over or get stuck (probably because of the tension of my terrified little muscles). Eventually I'd see the end in sight. My heart would leap into my throat, making it hard to breath just when that was fairly crucial. And then the drop. Like one of those falling dreams only real. I'd hit the water after a 10 foot drop....which usually hurt. And then the really scary part. the Water.

I was plunged way too far into the water. I'd flail and try and struggle to figure out which way way up, the whole time making sure that my bathing suit was where it should be, oh yeah and fighting the urge to suck in a lung full of water. The not knowing which way is up part was always the worst thing.

Life's like that. Insecure.

But the truth is that there's a life guard who promises to stick by us. Things get kind of scary. We get turned around, but God is faithful and true. He'll never leave us or forsake us. And he promises the we "can do all things through Christ who strengthens [us]".

We're insecure. But He is Secure.

"Little ones to him belong. They are weak, but He is Strong. Yes, Jesus Loves me"

Happy Birthday!

2006-10-01T22:15:00.000-04:00

I'd like to say Happy Birthday to the Following folks- all of whom I love like crazy!

Today:

Anna Caines- you're the best, best friend I've ever had. I love you! Tornado!

Anna Smith- I love it when you sing to Jesus!

James- happy re-birthday! way to get baptized!

Uptown Church- happy 2nd birthday. You mean so much to me. I can be real with you!

Tomorrow:

Aunt Sue- I've learned a lot about how to be kind and loving from you.

Grumpy- I totally got my sense of humour from you. I've also gotten a lot of love from you and and for that I'll be grateful always.

Tuna Sandwich with a side of...ahhhhhhh.

2006-09-25T10:28:00.000-04:00

Over this past year my comfort food has shifted. It used to be popcorn (which I still really love). Now I unwind with a toasted tuna sandwich on whole wheat and a cup of tea. (yet another grandma trait that I seem to have developed)

This shift has got me thinking about food...

Food is powerful.

You can smell it, see it, taste it, touch it, hear it cooking.

Food is an experience. It's tied to memory and relationship.

Think about it. A Baby is born and some of it's first experience of another person is Mother feeding it.

We celebrate with food, we mourn with food, we meet around food.

Food is the great leveler. We all need it.

Jesus was all about food. His first miracle was at a feast. He fed 5 thousand. He wanted to be remembered around a table with bread and wine.

Open your mouth and taste, open your eyes and see—
how good God is.
Blessed are you who run to him. (Psalm 34:8)

Bon Appetite!

So tell me, what's your comfort food?

...

2006-09-22T15:13:00.000-04:00

I'm no poet.

My pen won't stir you.

But my heart, my heart could tell you of a million drops of mercy,

like dew, fresh and new each morning.

I'm no dancer.

My feet won't move you.

But my heart, my heart could dance you radiant grace,

poured and lavished, warming and lifting.

I'm no artist.

My brush won't dazzle you.

But my heart, my heart could paint faithful love,

powerful enough to shake the earth and gentle enough to wipe away tears.

I'm no author.

My words won't inspire you.

But my heart, my heart could tell you of the Savior, who is Love incarnate.

Who transforms and redeems. Who has rescued me.

I'm no musician.

My songs won't fill your ears.

But my heart, my heart will always sing of Jesus Christ.

His saving grace. First in my heart, and love of my life.

Harvest Gold...and full of mold.

2006-09-18T22:53:00.000-04:00

When I was little we had a harvest gold dishwasher. One day it broke...just stopped working, full of dirty old dishes. We just closed it up.

3 years later it was time to move. We opened the dishwasher up, and guess what? The dishes were still there and they were still dirty. Even dirtier in fact.

That's sin for you. You can close the dish washer but the dishes will still be dirty. Avoiding sin doesn't make it go away.

ouch.

School is so much better once you've graduated.

2006-09-16T18:47:00.001-04:00

So I'm taking a class at Taylor College. Intro to Christian Ethics with Ken Nielsen. What can I say? It's Ken! I'm loving the chance to engage my brain in an academic way.

In the past I wasn't really very interested in ethics, but now that I'm out in the world it appeals to me more and more. I have always cared a lot about why people make the choices they do and what governs their lives....I just never would have seen that as connected to ethics.

I'm enjoying it so much that I might even do my homework! Now there's a statement!

PS: Ken figures that he and I will butt heads and have some good discussions....When he was explaining this to the class he accidentally called me Reed. That made us both laugh. He said it was a Freudian slip....I said it was a Freudian compliment.

CCMAs have come and gone...

2006-09-12T16:53:00.000-04:00

...we had so much fun! My friend and I partied the night away (til 10:15). Our seats were phenominal. I'd tell you all about it, and the music man we rescued on the way there....but I've got chops on the grill. I'll fill you in later!

Praise the Lord.

2006-09-11T07:56:00.000-04:00

Thanks to all who have been praying over this past weekend. I'm feeling much restored and refreshed. God is Good!

Prayer request

2006-09-09T10:19:00.000-04:00

...I don't like to make a big deal of when I'm in pain. However, I believe in prayer and I'm not proud.

I've been having trouble sleeping and functioning, mentally and physically this past week. Life doesn't stop though. Praise the Lord, He's always got my back and He always sustains me. Medication is taking the edge off, and I'm trying to grab as much rest as I can. I need to be safe and healthy to support the folks around me! This is an ongoing pain issue-but God is bigger.

So if you're reading this and you have a chance, I'd love it if you'd pray with me.

Thanks a bunch!
Your Sister, Gray.

Raise your hand if you're going to the CCMA's!

2006-09-08T12:37:00.000-04:00

My friend and I totally have our hands raised for that one.

That's right folks. I, Gray Gillies, long time disliker of Country Music, will be attending this Monday's Canadian Country Music Awards. Why, you ask? Because of this lovely lady right here. We've been friends for a few months now and she LOVES country music.

When we met she was totally appalled by my lack of knowledge in the country department, and has single handedly undertaken my education. You know, Country music is not that bad. I still have all the same beefs about it as I do about most secular music. (Mainly lyrics, morals, and marketing) But she gets so much joy from it, that country music has become contagious to me.

I enjoy it because I enjoy her. And on Monday, from the second row, we'll enjoy singing and dancing...and wearing our matching Red Cowboy Hats! Keep an eye out for us, all of ya'll out in TV land.

Moral of the story: You never know where an open heart will lead you!

This ones for Andrea!

2006-09-07T18:05:00.000-04:00

This is Andrea and a horse.....not pictured here are the magnetic waves of pure love (and sadly allergy) that flow between them!

This is Gaston. He's an Oxen. I patted him and got doodie on my fingers. Patting him was scary because he has big horns.

This is Princess. He's an Oxen too. He didn't really move....he might have been a decoy.

These are some great gals. This post is for Andrea! (first on the left)

My Mom loves pigs.

2006-09-06T14:35:00.000-04:00

Mom says that she loves pigs because "they're so solid". My mom likes to touch pigs. This is the Pig we saw on monday, you can't tell from this picture but it's the size of a small pony.

It freaks me out that pigs can eat a human body bones and all. Creepy. Oh yeah, and they STINK!

But my Mom sees past all that. Oh Mom. I Love you!

Have you met my Family?

2006-09-05T18:40:00.000-04:00

My family is amazing! Seriously if you've never met them or haven't met the whole Clan....Well you just should because they're spectacular!

This is all us kids at Kings Landing on Labour day...in the rain...cuz we're committed to history (well really to all being in the same place for once). That's Jesse (my older brother), Emma (my lil' sis'), Me and then there's Jen ( my God Daughter), and Andrea( my brother's girlfriend).
Mom (Greer) and Dad (Peter+) were there too. It was a day to remember, because we we're together.

I love you guys! Thank you for being my truth tellers and my cheer leaders. I only really make sense when you're my context. Love doesn't even begin to describe...

"Boxed Juice"

2006-09-01T21:11:00.000-04:00

My grandmother calls juice boxes, "boxed juice". Which is a more accurate term I spose. I mean you're after the juice not the actual container, so asking for some "Boxed Juice" makes more sense than asking for a "Juice Box". I'm gonna start Boxed Juice revolution!

(Did you know that you can get "Juice Box Buddies"? The boxed juice sits inside this hard plastic thing with handles. I guess so that you don't squeeze it all over the place. Man I hate that!)

Thank you, Sweets.

2006-09-01T10:47:00.000-04:00

These words have totally changed my life.

Everyday I have the blessing of being able to serve. And not just serving a meal or sweeping a floor but I'm allowed to meet the hearts of my friends and see to the core of their hurts and joys. Unmasked and unashamed. And my friend says "Thanks you, Sweets." and he means it. Sometimes it blesses me so much that I'm overwhelmed with love and I just weep grateful tears.

He's teaching me that to be truly served is to make yourself fully vulnerable to another person. And that is a deeply personal gift. A gift that blesses the served, but has the power to bless and transform the server as well.

For me to really allow my heart to be served is to have so much trust not in the other but in Jesus. It's really hard. To trust not because the other person has earned it, but because of a radical commitment to a gracious God.

I'm reminded of John 12:1-3, Where Mary anointed Jesus feet and wiped them with her hair.

Six days before Passover, Jesus entered Bethany where Lazarus, so recently
raised from the dead, was living. Lazarus and his sisters invited Jesus to
dinner at their home. Martha served. Lazarus was one of those sitting at the
table with them. Mary came in with a jar of very expensive aromatic oils,
anointed and massaged Jesus' feet, and then wiped them with her hair. The
fragrance of the oils filled the house.

Jesus served and was served. Deeply. As Worship. Not a surface gesture. Service is a fragrance pleasing to God. It should be the distinctive aroma of his people and the church.

I'm challenged today.

2006-08-28T13:54:00.000-04:00

Disclaimer: please don't misinterpret these questions as me being down on myself or having poor esteem. (Though my esteem is not about me but Christ in me.) I'm posting these questions because I really think they're healthy ones. I'm sure you folks are already asking these questions, but here they are anyway!

I think a lot about grace. Here's the thought today: Am I ministering grace?

Am I really trusting the Lord in me and in those around? Am I allowing those I love to have the space to be themselves AND to stumble? Am I trying to regulate their lives and my own with rules and guidelines? Am I a neo-pharisee?

There's a place for methodical discipline. But is my discipline based on God's grace or my need to feel in control? Am I motivated by a fear of "wildfires"? Is it my strength or His Grace?

His Grace is sufficient. Am I living Grace?

I'm not lazy

2006-08-26T21:07:00.000-04:00

So for about ....ah... forever I believed, and said, that I was lazy. It was partly a way to hide and partly how I really saw me BUT this past year has shown me in a really clear way that it's just not true. I just wanted to celebrate this liberating truth. When I finally heard God's truth on this it changed my life. Like a ton of bricks dropped one at a time God is changing me! There's hope for everbody.
His name is Jesus.

He's dreamy.

The pic is for irony.

Guts and Grace

2006-08-24T20:52:00.000-04:00

It's the one year anniversary of my joining L'Arche Saint John. Tonight we celebrated. It felt pretty great. Flowers, candles, food, love. L'Arche sure knows how to party.

I'm pretty pensive about this past year. Pondering it's highs and lows. There have been so many of each. So now a year after jumping in feet first I'm checking the rear view mirror.

Some day I'll write a book and I'll call it, "Guts and Grace". That's what has sustained me this year.

Guts: I've always been a fairly fearful gal. No longer. I'm not about to sign up for fear factor, but this whole year has been such a bag of unknowns. Everytime I've pulled my hand out of the bag God has seen me through, weather it's been a scorpion in my hand or a daisy. God is faithful, I'm learning to trust the God voice in my gut.

It's also clear that I don't really know what I'm doing. I've got a HUGE amount of responsibilty; The kind that school and other jobs don't prepare you for, heart responsibilties. Not that I'm a stranger to loving people, but I've never been this vulnerable and this needed. It's making my heart calm.

And Grace: Life here has been like cooking bacon in my bathing suit. A little painful but worth it. Golly I love bacon. lol. God's grace has been so real and so present. Sometime people come up to me and tell me how they could never do what I'm doing, I worry about that becasue I hope they don't think I'm perfect at this...I'm just NOT. I am learning about grace; God's grace for me, my grace for others, their grace for me. Accepting it is hard, but life giving and altering. There have also been so many things that could have gone really wrong that haven't or have been contained. That's Grace when life is fragile. I love God and he's all about grace.

So there it is. Guts and Grace.

Brookwood Photos

2006-08-19T19:48:00.000-04:00

Here's the view from the chaplain's quarters where Em and I slept. What a blessing to sit on the porch reading the bible and hearing kids laughing and the sound of cannon balls from the pool.

This is Em sporting a chicken hat for staff intros....which consists of the staff dressing up like idiots, being introduced and then jumping into the pool to a chorus of "Cannon ball, cannon ball"

I just need to take a minute to gush about this woman. Emma Gillies is a fabulous person. What a gift she is to me. She rocked as a side kick this week! From forcing me shower to lying on the floor while we wrote songs in Spanish...she can't be beat.

Our super her theme was a super hit. We called the chapel the phonebooth-because that's where average folks transform into Super heroes. And when they came in they had to put on masks and stuff and we calle dthem by super hero names. It was a lot of fun. Thanks for all of your prayers internet friends. God opened a lot of doors and ears. By the end of the weeks a couple of the kids were begging to be allowed to come and pray with the worship team before the service. As one super dude was praying for the life guard, Sarah, he said " Lord, thank you that Sarah keeps us from drowning in the pool, so that we can live one more day to pray and praise you." Praise the Lord!

This is a friend that Emma and I met at camp. She's hilarious and if I didn't know better I'd swear she was related to us.

Thanks to all the friends who dropped by the camp last week. Hooray for Nick and Alicia, Sarah Couper and Nan and Grampy Till.

This is an amazing young lady who blessed my socks off this week. She brought joy, and dancing. She brought people together. She left part way through the week but was able to come back for the last chapel. She came in the door just as we settled in to sing her favorite song "King of Love" (she knew all the actions), and when the kids saw her they jumped up to hug her and wanted to sit next to her.

Leaving was hard. I had forgotten how alive I feel at camp. I rediscovered some joy that I'd been out of touch with. I also got to meet some amazing people that I already knew. This is a picture of the Brookwood Salute that our family received as we drove out of camp. (yes those are fireworks-don't try this at home). Most of the staff this summer was a camper of mine during my years at Brookwood. Most of them were not the most well behaved or co-operative as campers. BUT I am over joyed to say that as astaff they rose to meet the call. Jesus was glorified in the way they served and loved those campers. I love this picture because of the guys in it. Men of God, all four of them, all at different places on the journey, all with different gifts and callings.

Thanks Everybody! Thanks Jesus!

Brookwood Bound

2006-08-12T18:25:00.000-04:00

Well this is it. The night before I, yet again, brave the untamed wilderness of Camp Brookwood. Can I tell y'all that I'm SO EXCITED! I imagine this giddy nervous feeling is what average kids experienced the night before camp. I, on the other hand, couldn't stand camp and really didn't want to go, so for me it was just dull resignation.
But this, this feels great! I can't wait to see old friends and meet new ones.

My sister Emma (cute as a button-by the way) and I are going to be the chaplains this coming week for a bag full of 8-11 year olds. We've put together an awesome superhero training week (hence the logo). It should rock...at least for me...I get to wear a cape! And while a cape doesn't guarantee a good time....who am I kidding it really really does.

I know there are a lot of die hard Medley fans out there, but for me there's just something about Brookwood. I think it probably has to do with the fact that Brookwood is where God called me the day after I got serious about Jesus. I called the camp and said "I want to come and work at camp" and the brilliant folks on the other end said "great". Brookwood is also the place where I felt the thrill of being a vessel for God...that's an addiction I pray I'll never break. Brookwood is also the first place that really said,"we trust you and we want you to lead". Those are some important firsts. Ones that have changed who I am and what I invest in.

So friends, Romans, country folk; lend me your prayers.

pray that Emma and I will be clothed in God's holy armor, that we'll have wisdom and discernment, that God will speak through us.
pray for encouragement for the weary staff entering their final week of the camping season.
pray that lives will be changed by the miracle of relationship with a living, loving God.
and anything else the Lord is saying to you!

Thanks in advance for your prayers and thoughts! Can't wait to show y'all the pictures!

Until next week!

Neil and Raffi

2006-08-09T22:57:00.000-04:00

My Mom is a fabulous woman of God...she's also a preschool teacher. She's influenced my life in way more ways than I can count.

Musically however there have been two main ways...Neil Young and Raffi. That's right, the "Grand Daddy of Grunge" and one of Canada's most beloved children's entertainers.

Here is my opinion. Raffi is not just for 4 year olds. He's got some really profound stuff. Ok maybe not "Banana Phone". (Although it is dangerously catchy). I'd like to share my all time favorite Raffi song. I find myself worshiping on a deep level when I sing this song. It's simple and it's true. It's called...

Thanks a lot

Thanks a lot. Thanks for the sun in the sky.
Thanks a lot. Thanks for the clouds so high.

Thanks a lot. Thanks for the whispering wind.
Thanks a lot. Thanks for the birds in spring.

Thanks a lot. Thanks for the moon lit night.
Thanks a lot. Thanks for the stars so bright.

Thanks a lot. Thanks for the wonder in me.
Thanks a lot. Thanks for the way I feel.

Thanks for the animals.
Thanks for the land.
Thanks for the people everywhere.

Thanks a lot. Thanks for all I've got.

It's a lot more profound when you hear it coming from Raffi himself. BUT if you must hear it now, you can check out some random guy named matthew singing it on his blog. Gotta love the internet!
http://matthew.castpost.com/172834.html

Grateful to be Behind

2006-08-04T21:24:00.000-04:00

I have a friend and when she laughs my hair stands on end because I know that God Himself is grinning with pride. Tonight she bought a yellow skirt with a butterfly and a rose embroidered on it. She picked it out herself and that was a really big deal. When she got home she was telling some one all about it on the phone, as I happened to come into the room. She said, "No it's true I did the whole thing myself, I even paid with my own money. Gray was right behind me the whole time."

Sometimes it's hard to stay "behind". Sometimes I just want to run ahead. I don't want to be patient and let people grow on there own. If I had my way I'd throw them on the rack and stretch them that last 6 inches. Praise the Lord I don't get my way.

What a blessing to be allowed by God to be a witness to that kind of growth and joy. I have discovered grace and beauty in being the stem of the rose and the cocoon of the butterfly.

Hold on tight...here we go!

2006-08-04T00:41:00.000-04:00

I'm warning y'all out there that I won't be good at keeping this up, but I will be honest when I do. And that's the best I can offer.

So here we go, launching into the Blog-o-sphere.

Just in case there are folks out there who don't know me or who have forgotten everything that they DID know about me, or it's just been a while. I'll give you the nutshell.

I'm Gray and I live in Saint John, New Brunswick. I'm a Christian, but I'm not always very good at it. Fortunately I've got an amazingly gracious God who loves the socks off me. Oh Boy do I every love Him. In my small and imperfect way I'm trying to live for Him and seek His Kingdom in all that I do.

"But Gray what do you do?" you may well ask.

I live and love in a brand new L'Arche Community. L'Arche homes are made up of people with intellectual disabilities and the people who come along side of them to help create home. So I'm a homemaker. Sometimes I call myself a "Professional Lover"(which is a joke-just to be clear). Either way this is the most challenging and life giving thing I've ever lived. I'm stretched everyday and I love that. I cry a lot and I laugh a lot. I'm learning to stop doing and just be.

Jesus you said "Blessed are the poor in spirit".

Lord my ears had heard of you, but now my eyes have seen.

Another amazing piece of my life are the Brothers and Sisters, Christ has blessed me with in my Chruch Army family. If you've never met this crazy posse, who've missed out. Church Army is a group of men and women whom God has called to preach and live His word with a passionate desire to see folks come into relationship with Jesus Christ and His revolutionary Kingdom. We had our National Conference last month and let me tell you, what a joy and a privilege to worship with these people. At one point I was just in tears as I looked around the room and it felt like I was surrounded by God's Oaks and Cedars of Faith. In life they may be weathered and marred but in Christ they're strong, declaring God's praise. It inspires me and I'm grateful to be called by God and to be called a "Captain". How awesome is that! It makes us sound like super heros!

Well there it is. This ended up being a lot more serious than I imagined it would be. but hey it's a start. You'll have to come back though because let me tell you I'm fairly ridiculous and sometimes entertaining. So, until next time. xoxoxo